The Fic That Has No Name: Return of the Fic
by TheMonkeyStoleTheWallet
Summary: Sequel to the Fic That Has No Name. If you like randomness, the occasional dance number then this is the story for you!
1. Ooompa Lumpa

**A/N**: Hello all! I'm back for the sequel to The Fic That Has No Name. I have decided to skip Chamber of Secrets and go right to Prisoner of Azkaban. Why? Because after my cousin and I saw the movie we had way to much material to make fun of. Just enough to write a parody. If a chapter has spoilers I will give a warning for those who haven't seen the movie. A lot of the ideas came from eating to much popcorn and ICEE's in two and a half hours. But that is why I must give some credit to my cousin, she is the comic genius of her time. So this is dedicated to her, and now after my rambles I present to ye, The Fic That Has No Name: Return of the Fic.  
  
**Rating**: PG-13  
  
Harry Potter sat on his bed, in his Spongebob Squarepants footie pajamas, while eating a big grab bag of Sun Chips. He was watching MTV's widely popular show, "Pimp My Tricycle" with his very own cousin Dudley as the host. Two years ago, Dudley was turned into a pig and joined the cast of "Babe", but as the spell wore off he lost the admiration of his fans and slipped into a crack-induced hell. Although, he somehow managed to get work at MTV hosting a reality show to take up air time.   
  
"So you wanna be a cool kid, but your wheels aint fly, so you gotta go and pimp myyy tricccceeee!" Harry sang along with the almighty disembodied voice of the show in a high-pitched voice.   
  
"Shut up!" yelled Uncle Vernon as he opened the door to Harry's room, but stopped short and joined Harry to watch the show. Even though he seemed like an ignorant brute he had a thing for people turning beat up tricycle's into nice ones.   
  
"Oh ,um, right then," said Uncle Vernon as he stood up , "your Aunt Marge is here!"   
  
"Meh, what can I do right?" Harry said as he turned off the TV.  
  
"And change out those pajama's…" Uncle Vernon muttered as he closed the door.  
  
"Crap."

Harry walked down the stairs to the living room to greet his aunt. How he loathed her, for she was always insulting him.   
  
"Why, Harry you are turning into such a handsome young man," said Aunt Marge as she got up to shake Harry's hand.  
  
"Don't talk about my parents like that!" yelled Harry. "But I didn't say any…." but she was cut off for she was turning violet and swelling up like a balloon.  
  
"Great! Now who is going to fix this?" yelled Uncle Vernon. Just then a bunch of tiny men came through the door and surrounded Aunt Marge. "Oompa Lumpa Do Ba De Da!" they all sang as they rolled Aunt Marge out the door.   
  
"What the hell?" asked Aunt Petunia.   
  
For dramatic effect, Harry ran upstairs and put all his clothes and books in his Barbie Travel Trunk and ran out of the house, but tripped on a rake in the process.   
  
As Harry walked in the bitter cold he noticed something moving in the bushes. Like any movie star he forgot to follow the Horror Movie Survival Guide rule about not investigating moving shrubbery. He stopped as some kind of animal stepped out and growled at him. "Pluto?" Harry asked and sure enough Mickey's pet dog Pluto was there. But as soon as it showed up, he ran away. "Wait come back! Why is it that you and Goofy are both dogs but he can wear pants!?" Harry yelled and that somehow triggered a violently purple bus to appear.  
  
"London tours….yeah okay." Harry said as he stepped on.

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Chapter one is done! I don't know if that is really how you spell trice, curse Microsoft Works!   
  
Please read and review for there will be a great distribution of brownie points!


	2. Chocolate and purple hands

**A/N:** Thanks for the reviews for this fic and the last, but especially to the new dubbed "review girls", Lemming of the B.D.A. and lost-magic! Thanks for reviewing every chapter lost-magic hehe, and Lemming, that was the most creative review I have received so far, thanks! This chapter is for you guys!

After boarding the London Tour Bus, Harry found himself in Buckingham Palace talking with Prince William, everything seemed peachy. Until the cops raided the place looking for Harry and threw him in the slammer. He there met the minister of magic, who would cause future chaotic hoopla. Somehow Harry was acquitted of all charge and found himself staying at the Wizard Hilton. There he me up with Ron and his family.  
  
"Hi Harry, did you hear, a mass murderer is coming to look for you? Probably to give you candy" said Ron wisely.   
  
"Buh?" asked Harry  
  
"Ya!" said Ron.  
  
"Damn! Well how was your Summer Ron…Ron" But the red-headed kid was not listening for he saw Hermione across the room. He walked over. Harry coughed.  
  
"Why Hermione, I never noticed your frizzy hair, how nice it is until now. Wait! This can't be. All the fics point to Harry/ Hermione. But in the movie, there is some definite hugging action between us! I'm so confused! Curse you Alfonsooooo!" he yelled as he threw himself out a window.   
  
"I don't think he likes me Harry" said Hermione.   
  
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Harry and his chums were sitting in their train compartment, eating tea and crumpets, when the lights went out. Hermione shrieked, Harry had his wand at the ready, that suspicious looking man in their compartment snored, but it was just Ron who flicked off the light switch.   
  
Out in the hall, smoke filled the air and a hooded figure tripped because he could not see. It slapped the special effects guy in the corner that was operating the smoke machine. When it regained its posture, the Dementor approached the compartment and opened the door. In a shrill voice it said, "Wheeerrree's Harrrry Potttttter?"  
  
"Oh, you want the next compartment over sir" said a 7th year brightly.  
  
"Sorry, my mistake" said the Dementor and proceeded to skip along the hallway.  
  
_In Harry's compartment…._  
  
"Hey do you guys feel a chill?" asked Harry who didn't pay attention to the fact that everything was frozen over and Malfoy had a grabbed a pair of skates.   
  
"Hey look a transfer student" said Hermione. The dementor came in a procedded to do dementedly dementor things. It stuck out what looked like a purple hand and then the suspicious looking man scared it away with only the help of chewed up bubblegum and a thong for a sling shot.   
  
"Thanks mister, you saved us!" said Ron  
  
"Harry don't you find it odd, that he is scratching himself behind the ears with his foot?" asked Hermione  
  
"No, I find it more odd of whose undergarment that is" said Harry  
  
"Yo" said Ron  
  
"Here, have this chocolate, it will help" said the now identified Professor Lupin.  
  
"But I'm allergic to…" said Harry  
  
"Eat it…" said Lupin in a demanding voice  
  
Harry put the chocolate in his mouth and started to cry. "It tastes like turtles."  
  
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That last part was in memory of the King of the Hill, when Bobby had to eat the lipstick. Anyway, this is the last chappie for 2 weeks for I am going on vacation! Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	3. Stand Up!

A/N: Hello everyone! I have returned from vacation and have bought you a new chapter! Full details of my trip to cancun at my Livejournal, so please feel free to read and leave comments, rants, thoughts on why Pluto and Goofy are dogs but only one can wear pants. Read and Review!

Harry and company were casually walking down the hall to their first class of the day when Hagrid, for inexplicable reasons was strolling around, rapping out loud.  
  
"When I move you move, just like that, when I move you move just like, hell yea hey DJ bring that back!"  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione shrugged and put on some gold chains that they magically conjured and started rapping along.   
  
"Watch out for the medallion my diamonds are reckless, feels like Flitwick is hanging from necklace," rapped Harry and surely enough professor Flitwick was hanging from the chain.  
  
"Stand up!" said the professor.   
  
"But our time and our robes gotta coordinate!" rapped Hermione.  
  
Ron began to break dance but was stopped by Proffesor Snape. "That will be quite enough! To your class!" he yelled but grabbed Ron by the arm, "Mr. Weasley, if you would teach me that break dancing later, maybe I won't deduct points.   
  
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_Later in Defense Against the Dark Arts…_  
  
The class was watching an Animal Plant special on a wolf expedition. When the part about the baby wolves going out on their own, the professor shed a tear.   
  
"Ahh, that part always gets me" said the Lupin as he blew his nose. The class just stared. A cricket chirped.   
  
"Uhhh, alright children, if you will please line up to tackle the Boggart" said Professor Lupin.  
  
"Uh, wait what's a Boggart…" asked Ron  
  
"Begin!" yelled Professor Lupin as he went back to his desk and attempted to put on a flea collar.   
  
Harry was up and when the wardrobe door opened in turned into a dementor. It reached out, what looked like a purple hand. Harry screamed like a little school- girl and passed out.  
  
Lupin rushed over and woke Harry up.  
  
"Here eat this chocolate, because that's the only useful thing I can do until later chapters."   
  
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"Why do the dementors torment me so!" yelled Harry in a tragic hero tone.  
  
"Harry, the dementors are the one of the most foul creatures on this earth and they don't care who you are. They will never ever let their guard down"  
  
_Outside the castle…_   
  
"So have you seen 'Troy' yet?" asked Dementor #47 as he drank his non-fat latte.   
  
"Oh yeah, five times already. Man, that Orlando Bloom" said Dementor #21 dreamily as he spread cream cheese on his bagel.  
  
"I'll drink to that!" said Dementor #47 as he lifted his cup in the air.  
  
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	4. Like What?

**A/N**: Thanks to new fan, lambie for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you enjoy the fics and as a token of my appreciation here be a new chapter!

"So Draco was all like yeah and I was like no and he was like why and I was like Simple Life what! He was like what the hell are you talking about and I was like never mind. "said Harry to Hermione in the common room one fine morning.  
  
"No foolin'?" she asked inquisitively  
  
"No, so he was like shut up and I said make me,"   
  
"What did he do?"   
  
"He hit me and I was like ok. That was about it" said Harry.  
  
"Oh my god! Ron has been like trippin' the last few days!" said Hermione  
  
"What's up?"  
  
"So he comes up to me one day and is like Hermione your cat ate my rat and he got all angry. Then I was like your just mad because your rat is gone and my cat is pretty.   
  
"For reals?" asked Harry wide-eyed. Oh that Ron and Hermione, he thought. Like they were ever going to get together. Now really.  
  
"Then I was like hella angry so I was like Ron save the drama for your mama." Hermione finished as she rolled her eyes.  
  
"Damn that was cold Hermione. That was cold."  
  
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The Potter trio was walking down to their care of magical creatures class that same afternoon. As they hurried along, Billy Madison ran down the hall with a keg, trying to get the Basic Potions.  
  
"O'Doyle rules!" they shouted as they exited the castle.  
  
_Down at Hagrid's Hut…_   
  
"Now, today we will be learning about Hippogriff's. This here is Buckwheat." said Hagrid pointing to the magnificent creature.   
  
Harry was the first to courtesy for the beast and he liked Harry so much they had a tea party in front of the class.  
  
"Oooo pretty flying thing!" said Draco as he walked up to Buckwheat. The creature stood up and had a fiery look in his eyes, which was just it's contact lenses, but who was the wiser.   
  
"Oh crap." said Malfoy as he got scratched  
  
"Damn, this can't be good, but I'm sure it's nothing to worry about" said Hagrid as he shrugged.   
  
Malfoy was rushed to the hospital wing and was given a Spongebob Squarepants band-aid and a giant lollipop for being so "brave". Word spread fast about his near death experience and many girls rushed to the hospital wing to see him, including some boys who had flowers. Why Draco is getting so much attention in this chapter I do not know so lets move on.  
  
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_Later that afternoon…again…_  
  
Harry was stopped by Fred and George in the hallway. The twins looked around to see if anyone was spying. The phantom of the opera came out the shadows and strolled down the hall.   
  
"Creepy 7th year…anyway Harry, we have something that we will be of good use to you." said Fred  
  
His twin nodded.   
  
"A new license plate for my invisible scooter!" he asked eagerly, eyes twinkling.  
  
"Uh no." said George  
  
His twin nodded.   
  
"Damn" said Harry.  
  
"But we have a map that will let you see everything that goes on in the castle" said Fred handing Harry a piece of paper.  
  
"A map of Disneyland?" asked Harry. "How is this going to…" he started to say but was cut off by George.  
  
"No worries Harry it's always helped us!"  
  
"Yeah, but why is…."  
  
"Be stealthy and keep it secret!" said Fred as he took his twin in arm and skipped down the hall.  
  
"Yeah okay." said Harry  
  
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The scary part about this chapter is that people actually talked using "like" as the modern comma in my school…all the time. But it was so easy to communicate! I apologize if things are out of order, but the ideas just pop into my head and have to be written down. Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	5. Totally shocking!

Harry and the rest of his fellow Gryffindors were sitting outside one fine...evening for unknown reasons, when Hedwig swooped down.  
  
"Hoot" she hooted.  
  
"What's that Hedwig? Draco Malfoy is hanging on to dear life on the edge of a cliff?" asked Harry.  
  
"Hoot" she said again.  
  
"Wait, you mean something is afoot at Gryffindor Tower?" asked Harry  
  
"Hoot"  
  
"Let's go!" yelled Ron and the other students got up and dashed across the grounds.  
  
"Bless you Hedwig for alerting us!" shouted Harry back to his owl as he followed the others.  
  
Hedwig stood there and then popped open a coke and took a sip. "It's what I do best" she said and then flew away.  
  
_Upstairs, outside of Gryffindor Tower....  
_  
"What's that?" asked Ron pointing to the portrait of the fat lady. In red paint, written across the portrait were two words that were shocking to everybody.  
  
"Dude, this is totally shocking me!" yelled Dean Thomas.  
  
The words written were...  
  
"...El Barto..." said Harry as he rubbed his chin and somehow smeared red paint on himself. "Damn that Bart Simpson!"  
  
"No, I meant that" said Ron pointing to something that was scribbled in purple crayon in the corner.  
  
"Sirius Black was here, hmm" said Harry. "I have no idea what this message is trying to say."  
  
"Well, it's obviously simple Harry, it means that..." started Hermione but was cut off by Seamus.  
  
"This is quite a mystery! Does anyone know who did this"  
  
"Well, if you would just look..." started Hermione, but was shoved out of the way by Professor Dumbledore.  
  
"The only person that could solve this mystery is the one, the only, Sherlock Holmes!" he yelled as he pointed to the front doors.  
  
Dramatic music filled the room.  
  
But there was no Sherlock Holmes appearing for the front doors were stuck.  
  
"Damn door opener." Dumbledore muttered under his breath. "Alright boys, best go at it at a run then" he said as he patted Ron and Harry on the head. They both shrugged and ran towards the door only to hurt themselves in the process.  
  
"Never fear, for I am here!" yelled Sherlock Holmes as he crawled through an open window. "It is obvious who has done this!" he shouted triumphantly as he climbed the stairs.  
  
"Finally someone who listens to me" said Hermione  
  
"Where exactly were you at 8:00 p.m. tonight, Professor Moriarty?" he asked pointing to the man eating from a box of cheerios.  
  
"Buff, mgh ifg wad hefe!" he said with his mouth full.  
  
"Well, uh, maybe it wasn't him, but I shall find the culprit and bring him to justicccccceeeee!" he yelled as he fell down the stairs.  
  
"Oh well. Students please proceed to the Great Hall and get a Little Mermaid Sleeping Bag. We have a search to conduct."  
  
Later that night, Professor Dumbledore did conduct a full search for Sirius Black, but they didn't notice the note that was pasted on the front door, that said, "Couldn't find what I was looking for, be back next week, Love Sirius"  
  
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	6. Bye Bye Bye!

Since the search from the previous night turned up squat, and a supposed mass murderer was on the loose, the only reasonable thing to do was to play a game of quidditch.   
  
But on this particular afternoon, the clouds were coming together and lightening struck the ground. It began to rain cats and dogs. A Scottish Terrier fell on Harry's head.  
  
"Harry this weather looks really bad, will you be able to play?" asked Hermione.  
  
"No worries, as long as we are under Oliver Wood's leadership, it's smooth sailing from here" he said with a twinkle in his eye.  
  
Alfonso Cauron stepped out from behind a broom. "Actually Harry, we scrapped Oliver, so its all up to you now!"  
  
"…..oh crap."  
  
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"I'm a genie in a bottle baby, come, come, come on and let me out…" sang Harry to himself in the air as he was waiting for the snitch to fly by. As he was about to go into the second verse he saw something horrifying out in the field, something…yellow?  
  
"Pluto! I knew I would find you again!" Sure enough, Pluto was using some binoculars to look up at Harry, and he didn't even notice the hoard of Dementors below him.   
  
_"Blueberry, strawberry ICEE's!…."_ he heard in his head.  
  
"Oh dear, I feel a faint coming on" said Harry as he fell to the ground below.   
  
Everyone screamed and just pointed at Harry falling instead of breaking out the trampoline for him to fall on. As Harry hit the ground, Hermione rushed out. Ron continued eating a hotdog.   
  
"Someone get help! Get Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman!" shouted Madame Hooch. Dr. Quinn ran by in slow motion but couldn't stop so she ran into the forbidden forest.  
  
"Actually all Harry needs is lollipop to make him feel better" said Hermione. Harry hugged his lollipop.   
  
So after the scare at the quidditch game Harry and the rest of the 3rd year Gryffindor boys could do only one thing.

Have a sleep over…."Don't really want to make it tough , I just wanna tell you that I had enough. It may sound crazy but it aint no lie, bye bye bye bye bye!" sang Harry into a comb with Ron and Seamus as his back up dancers.  
  
"Harry, you do the best Justin Timberlake" said Dean Thomas.  
  
"Yeah" said Neville as he was getting a manicure.   
  
" Hey, does anyone find it odd that we are having a sleepover?" asked Ron.  
  
They all shrugged and continued to eat popcorn. There came a knock at the door and Sherlock Holmes stepped in. "Harry my boy I need you to come with me" he said.  
  
"ooooooooooooo Harry is in trouble!" called out Seamus. Harry threw a Scottish Terrier at him.   
  
_10 minutes later, outside…_  
  
"Listen sir, this search for Sirius Black has been really riveting, but can I please go back inside!" yelled Harry. He and detective Holmes were on the grounds, looking for clues when a shadowy figure floated to them.  
  
"I say who are you?" asked Holmes.  
  
"…. a dementor?" said the ghastly creature.  
  
" See, a dementor. Now that we all know each other, can I go now?" asked Harry.  
  
"Wait a minute! Sir, I say sir! Come back here!" yelled Holmes as he chased the Dementor into the night.  
  
"Whatever…" and with that Harry walked back to the castle.   
  
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The chapter was sort of random….Oh well. Yes, there is a scene like that in the movie, but sans singing and manicures. Thanks for reading and now…..  
  
Sherlock Holmes: I saw review! 


	7. Wooooooooooooooooooo!

Harry was casually cruisin' the Hogwarts corridors one night, holding the Marauders Disneyland map. After carefully looking at his map, Harry discovered that Cinderella's castle was actually Hogwarts in disguise.  
  
It had been a whole hour of nightly prowling and Harry was just about to turn around and go back to his room, when he saw something moving on the map.  
  
"Ewwww spider!" he yelled as he beat the bug senseless. After composing himself he saw another something moving around on the map, getting closer to where he was standing.  
  
"But...that's impossible..." Harry muttered. The thing moving towards him couldn't be in Hogwarts castle. It was just....impossible. Closer it came, and Harry backed away. Then out from behind a statue that was conveniently placed in the middle of the corridor, out stepped Mickey Mouse.  
  
"Damn you Mickey!" yelled Harry as he shook his fist. The rodent ran down the hall spreading its Disney joy.  
  
Then Snape came out of nowhere. He looked pissed. Harry whimpered.  
  
"Mr. Potter, what are you doing here?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
"I don't want to hear it!" he snapped. "Now, what is that in your hand?"  
  
"A map..."  
  
"Not another word or I'll deduct 345,334,343 points from Gryffindor!" he shouted as he grabbed the Marauders Disneyland map. With a tap of his wand, words began to form on the map.  
  
**Prongs2004**: Snape! Y U all up in this mess!  
  
**Sexypadfootplaya**: Dude, I'm so the ladies man!  
  
**Wormtail4eva**: I hate you all...  
  
**MacDaddyMoony**: U tell him prongs! Woooooooooo! :) :)

**Sexypadfootplaya**: Snape U is ugly!  
  
**Prongs2004**: Right on! (Internet high-five)  
  
**Wormtail4eva**: I hate you all....  
  
**MacDaddyMoony:** I'm a wolf!  
  
**Sexypadfootplaya**: wooooooooooooo!!!111111!!!!!!!!!  
  
_Wormtail4eva has left the room....  
_  
"What the hell?" asked Snape. Harry grabbed the map and ran away. He bumped into Professor Lupin.  
  
"Professor, I think Peter Pettigrew is in the school!" said Harry.  
  
"Meh, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about...." he said.  
  
"Okay"  
  
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Sorry for the short and random chapter, but I needed to write something down and I hope it was a tad enjoyable. Now the lesson of today is...........REVIEW!


	8. We are the Champions!

**A/N**: Tada! New chapter is finally here! Also, why is it that I only found out about the title for book 6, two weeks after it was released? This is how I found out.

Internet: J.K Rowling is now expecting her third child...  
Me: Buh? When was this announced?

Internet: her new book will be called Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince....  
Me: Oh my god! Book 6! Why I am I just learning about this now?!  
  
Internet: Catwoman is #36 on the 250 worst films of all time...  
Me: No!!!!  
  
It was a big shock to me about the Catwoman situation, I was expecting a good movie........anyway, just want to give a mention for this chapter.  
  
Dance-flirt, I enjoy your reviews, they are very uplifting! You are one of the top reviewers! I do care! Hehe.

"Harry, the crystal ball has foretold good news. You will make millions in the near future, with you life-story being told in books and movies..." said Professor Trelawney in a bored voice.  
  
"Yeah! Harry! Harry! Harry!" yelled the rest of the classroom as they lifted Harry on to their shoulders. "We Are the Champions" started to play in the background for some reason and confetti fell upon the students.  
  
"Oh wait, you will die in the very near future," said Professor Trelawney in an excited tone.  
  
The record scratched, and the students dropped Harry immediately.  
  
"Damn" he said.  
  
The bell rang and the students merrily walked out of the classroom and Harry was about to leave when Professor Trelawney started to make a prediction.  
  
"Are you making a prediction?!" asked Harry excitedly.  
  
_That really evil guy will be back later, you better watch yourself_... she said in a low-voice.  
  
"But, my friends will help me with that" said Harry.  
  
_The guy who is really a rat is in the school, ahem, rat that is old and missing a finger, hint hint...Scabbers!_  
  
"Who? What are you trying to tell me?!"  
  
_Coke and Pepsi are the same thing...get over it!_  
  
"No, I won't believe it!" Harry yelled and ran out of the classroom.  
  
_Later that day....._  
  
"Hey Hagrid! How's it going?" said Hermione brightly as the trio stepped into Hagrid's Hut.  
  
"Well, my pet hippogriff is kinda going to um...die today!" he yelled.  
  
"Great, glad to hear that's all cleared up," said Ron as he sat at the table.  
  
"Don't you care? Buckwheat is going to be executed!" yelled Hagrid.  
  
"Oh my God Hermione, Draco was totally checking you out!" yelled Harry.  
  
"Really? Well, the only boy that I want to go out with is Ron..." she said dreamily.  
  
"What?" yelled Ron.  
  
"What?" yelled Harry.  
  
"What?" yelled Hagrid.  
  
"Squawk?"...squawked Buckwheat from outside the hut.  
  
Hermione/Ron shippers all over the world squeed with excitement.  
  
"Nothing, nevermind! So, ahem, Scabbers is gone huh?" she said nervously. They all stared at her in shock. "Stop looking at me!" she yelled and threw herself out the window.  
  
"Hmm, Harry you think she likes me?" asked Ron.  
  
"Nah" said Harry.  
  
"Doesn't anyone care that my Hippogriff is going to die?" yelled Hagrid.  
  
"Hey, while I was outside I found this" yelled Hermione as she threw Scabbers at Ron.  
  
"Scabbers! Your alive!" he yelled as he hugged his beloved rat. Scabbers bit him and ran off.  
  
"After him!" said Harry and Ron followed. Hagrid was left alone.  
  
"Doesn't anyone care about me?" he yelled.  
  
"Apparently not" said Buckwheat as he sharpened his claws.  
  
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The trio ran across the lawn chasing Scabbers, when Harry froze and told Hermione to stay still. Out from behind a tree, a yellow blur ran over towards Ron.  
  
"Oh no..." said Harry.  
  
"What is it?" whispered Hermione.  
  
"It's...Pluto..." he said.  
  
_Dun Dun Dun..._  
  
Pluto grabbed Ron by the leg and carried him over towards the Whomping Willow that appeared out of nowhere and took him down a dark hole in the tree.  
  
"No! Ron, hold on!" yelled Harry as he chased after his best friend. Hermione followed behind to help, but it was too late. Ron disappeared into the darkness.  
  
"No!!!!!!! He had my gum in his pocket!" yelled Harry. "Let's go!" he said and together they jumped into the darkness.

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_Join us next week for the stunning conclusion of "The Fic That Has No Name: Return of the Fic". But right now...review!_


	9. The Super Secret Club

After jumping into the trunk of the Whomping Willow, Harry and Hermione found themselves at the end a long passageway with a door on the other side. As they reached the door they saw written in the same purple crayon the night of the attack of the Fat Lady Potrait, _Sirius Black Super Secret Club_.

They both shrugged and pushed open the door, only to reveal the most shocking thing they ever encountered.

"Good Lord! Is that pink bunny wall paper?!" yelled Harry as he stepped into the badly decorated room. Next to him were pictures of little kittens playing and looking up with sad little eyes.

"I know where we are! This is the shrieking shack!" said Hermione.

"No wonder they call this the most scariest house in England..." he said.

Hermione then spotted Ron on a four-poster princess style bed. "Oh my, Ron I thought I would never see you again!" she wailed.

"Does that mean you like me!?" Ron asked eagerly. Hermione paused. She took a deep breath. "Maybe" she said.

"Yes! That's all the proof I need!" said a H/R shipper that was looking through the window. "To the Harry Potter Chatroom!" she yelled and ran into the sunset.

"That can't be good..." said Hermione.

"So Ron, who is keeping you here?" asked Harry.

"Oh well..." said Ron.

"Say the line!" called a voice from above.

"Fine." sighed Ron. "Harry, you have now come to secret lair of the notorious Sirius Black..." said Ron in a bored voice.

From up above Harry saw a dark figure grab onto a jungle vine and swing down to dramatic music...only to crash into the wall and fall to the floor. Sirius stood up and was now missing his front tooth.

"Egads! Sirius Black!" said Harry. _Dun Dun Dun_!

"Egads! Professor Lupin!" yelled Hermione as he walked through the door.

"Egads! Sherlock Holmes!" yelled Ron. Sherlock came in with his magnifying glass and closed the door behind him.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have now solved the mystery! The real culprit is the rat that Mr. Weasley is holding. He is in disguise! Please hand it over."

Ron threw the rodent to him and Sherlock Holmes tapped it on its head with his magnifying glass. The rat started to sprout legs and arms and...spiky yellow hair?

Everyone gasped and Sirius inhaled a fly.

"Oh my God! It's...It's Bart Simpson!" said Harry.

"Aha! Now Mr. Simpson if you will come with me please!" said Mr. Holmes as he handcuffed Bart and walked to the door. "No case goes unsolved when I'm here!" the detective proclaimed and with that he left. _Dunnnnn Dun Dun Dunnnnn!_

There was a moment of silence. Lupin coughed. A cricket chirped. This made all the more less silent.

"Oh wait! This is the real Scabbers!" said Ron as he threw the rat at Lupin. He tapped the rat on the head with his wand and the rat took a human form.

"Peter Pettigrew!" said Sirius. _Dunn Dun Dun! _

"Finally! I will be cleared of all the murders that I was framed for so many years ago!" said Sirius. "...So you want to murder him buddy!" he said to Lupin.

"Okay!"

"Wait just a moment!" said Snape as he came through the door.

"Damnit! Can we please have no more interruptions, so we can murder Pettigrew already..." but Siruis didn't even finish the rest of his sentence because with the help of a jump rope and bubblegum, Snape captured all of their wands.

...only to somehow become unconscious himself and be carried out of the shrieking shack.

_Outside the Whomping Willow..._

"Hey Proffessor Lupin, doesn't the full moon look really nice tonight?" said Hermione.

"Oh crap..." said Lupin and in a CGI animation transformation worthy of any good blockbuster movie, he transformed into a werewolf.

"Scramble!" yelled Harry. He grabbed Hermione and they ran toward the lake, straight for a pack of Dementors.

"Man, I really need a better sense of direction..." said Harry.

"Hey you know Harry, I could just faint right now and make room for you" said Hermione brightly.

"Okay!" said Harry.

The Dementors closed in around them and from behind a tree, Sirius appeared and he ran over to Harry, clearly out of breath.

"Sorry I'm late Harry, where can I faint?"

"Right there is perfect!" said Harry as he pointed near a rock.

Sirius ran over and promptly fainted leaving enough room for Harry to be the hero. With a flick of his wand, a silver stag appeared and hit one of the Dementors.

"Well I never!" shrieked the Dementor.

This wasn't working, the Dementors were closing in and they appeared to be ...singing?

There was no one else to come save them, unless you count that shadowy person across the lake that just chased all the evil creatures away in a split second.

"Okay whatever..." said Harry as he too fainted.

_Later, in the Hospital Wing..._

Harry awoke to find Hermione sitting in a chair reading the latest issue of CosmoGirl. Ron was sound asleep, clutching his teddy. Cornelius Fudge was talking with Dumbledore.

"Minister! Sirius Black is innocent!" yelled Harry.

"I have no proof of that! Do you have proof that Sirius Back is indeed innocent and Peter Pettigrew in cahoots with You-Know-Who somehow framed him?" asked Fudge very rapidly.

Harry ran to the nearby broom closet and dragged out Peter Pettigrew who was tied up and gagged.

"He did it! He killed those people!" said Harry pointing to Wormtail.

"It couldn't be, Sirius killed him!" yelled Fudge.

"Why do I bother?" said Harry as he pushed Wormtail back into the closet and locked the door.

"Anyway, since I have no proof that Black is innocent, the Dementors will be performing the kiss." Said Fudge as he left the hospital wing.

"Well Miss Granger, I think you know what to do..." said Dumbledore.

"Oh yeah I am really going to have to buy this hair straightener" she said as she continued to read her magazine.

Dumblerdore stared.

"Oh yeah, you mean the going back in time to save Buckwheat from death and Sirius from getting the Dementors kiss thing." She said.

"Three hours Miss Granger" said Dumbledore as he left.

Hermione walked over to Harry and pulled out the time-turner that was on a long macaroni chain she created in Arts and Crafts. She turned it three times and then....nothing happened.

"Hermione, what..." began Harry but then through the doors came what looked like a small station wagon with a guy in a red jacket and a old looking man with two patches of hair on either side.

"Hey Hermione, where to this time?" said Marty McFly.

"Three hours please" said Hermione as she stepped into the time machine with Harry behind her. Harry also noticed that Cher was in the back seat, silently singing, "_If I could turn back time..."_

"Oh my God, Cher! I have all you CD's!" said Harry in a high squeel.

"Back to the Future! Or the past! ...Just hang on" said Doc.

And with some cheap lighting effects and a fog machine, they disappeared.

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Okay so I lied. It's not the conclusion yet, but this was one hell of a near finishing the story chapter! I think one more should do it and we will come to the end of the fic. Until then, the only that can be done is, REVIEW!


	10. Back to the Future or the past?

A/N: Dun Dun Dun! Final chapter!

"Please wait until the time machine comes to a complete stop, thank you for riding Time Travel Express," said the voice over the intercom.

"Cher, wait! Please, sign my forehead!" yelled Harry, as Hermione dragged him out of the time machine.

_Outside, near Hagrid's Hut..._

Hagrid was inside wearing a black veil and using his table- cloth as a handkerchief. Hermione and Harry, (who was sporting a "I went back in time and met Cher and all I got was this concert T-shirt"), ran to the back, where Buckwheat was writing his last will and testament.

Hermione untied the hippogriff and gave a hearty, "Fly away! We'll never forget you!" With that, Buckwheat flew into the fading sun to freedom.

....only to crash into a tree.

"Crap!" said Harry.

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"So, Buckwheat, how long have you been a hippogriff?" asked Harry as he stuffed a chocolate frog into his mouth.

"Squawk!" Which in translation means that, "Well Harold, coincidentally I was once a man, but in my drastic attempt to take over the world, I was caught and the jerk Minister of Magic turned me into a Hippogriff."

Harry and Hermione sighed and that's when they heard high pitch girly screaming near the lake.

"Oh that must be Sirius," said Harry as he stood up.

"We have to save him! Let's go!" yelled Hermione. They both stood up and ran. But came back and crammed the chocolate frogs into their mouths.

"Ready? Let's go!"

As they approached the lake, Harry could see that everyone has fainted and they needed some rescuing.

"Where is that mysterious shadowy figure that is supposed to save our past-selves?" asked Hermione.

"No Hermione, it wasn't someone else, it was me. You see if an event happens in time, it is because someone from the future came back to the past to cause that event, so therefore it was I who chased all those Dementors away! I have figured out the mysteries of time!" yelled Harry.

"No, actually Harry, it was me," said the shadowy figure that just appeared from behind a bush.

"Oh my God! It's...it's, Prince William!" yelled Hermione and sure enough it was the royal highness himself.

"Wassup Will!" said Harry as he slapped the prince a high-five.

"Oh nothing, just strolling through the neighborhood" he said.

"Wait, you're a wizard?" asked Hermione.

"Who isn't a wizard?" he said wisely.

"Oh yeah, Will, can you tell me what the hell those things really are?" asked Harry as he pointed to the Dementors. One of them was softly singing, "I love you, you love me..." and then it suddenly hit Harry. A baseball that is. But he finally understood: the singing, the purple fuzzy hands, and the method of stealing a soul.

"I know what it is!" he said as he unmasked one of the Dementors. It was the most hideous thing he ever saw, the purple face and pearly white teeth...Barney.

"Hey kids!" said the purple dinosaur.

Harry hit it in the nose. Prince William chased them all away by yelling a hearty, Expecto Patronum! Which conveniently took the shape of a TV executive.

"Of course! What better way to get rid of annoying dinosaur, then an executive who can pull the plug on it's stupid show" said Hermione.

They all nodded. Harry then remembered that they still had to get Sirius from the tower and let him and buckwheat fly to freedom.

"Let's go!"

And, that's exactly what they did. Sirius and Buckwheat escaped. Hermione was still smart, Prince William was still handsome, Harry was glad to see that his godfather escaped, and Ron was still asleep, clutching his teddy bear.

"Hey, all this rescuing people made me kind of hungry." Said Hermione

"Anyone up for some feastin'?" asked Harry.

"Sweet!" said Prince William.

-----------------------------------

It was time for the farewell feast to take place yet again, and Prince William was the guest of honor. Several girls swooned, as did some boys too.

"So Harry, whatever happened to Peter Pettigrew?" asked Ron at the Gryffindor table.

"I don't know, but wherever he is, it's a long way from here", said Harry.

_Upstairs in the Hospital Wing broom closet..._

"Hello? Is anyone there? It's very dark in here!" said Wormtail.

_Back in the Great Hall...._

Dumbledore stood up and called for quiet. The students wouldn't shut up. He threw a chair at the wall and they stopped talking. "Ahem, as a special treat we have some live entertainment for tonight. Please welcome Latin recording sensation Ricky Martin!"

There was much squeeing.

Especially from Malfoy.

Ricky Martin came onto the stage and waved to the crowd, and began to speak into the microphone. "Thank you everyone, now please welcome the man who made my song popular...William Hung!"

"She Bangs" begin playing in the background and over thirty something Berkley Cheerleaders came onto the stage and then came William Hung.

"_She bangs! She bangs! Oh baby, when she moves, she moves_!" he sang.

"_She looks like a flower, but she stings like a bee_!" chorused Professor Snape.

"_Like every girl in history!_" sang all the students. They started to dance around the Great Hall, and Harry, Hermione and Ron ran to the stage and started to sing along.

Professor Dumbledore took a stage dive into the crowd of students. Snape threw himself too, but all his grease caused the students to drop him.

"Hey Harry?" asked Hermione over the partying.

"Yes?"

"Are you up for a parody next year?

"You know it!" he said and with that Hogwarts partied into the wee hours of the morning, with no one caring that Snape was unconscious.

**THE END**

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We did it people! We came to the end and it has been quite the adventure. Thank you for reading and reviewing this fic. But don't think it ends here, oh no. I will be back to do a Goblet of Fire Parody soon, but updates might be a little slower this time around, now that I have to go back to school. I will try though.

Promise!


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